NEWSLETTERS

February 2002
©2002 Terri Hendrix

One of my favorite songwriters is Terry Allen, from Lubbock, TX. I’m particularly fond of a piece called “Beautiful Waitress,” from his album Lubbock on Everything. The first time I heard the song, I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry…..that’s the complex nature of Terry’s work. To give you some idea, the song begins with these lines:

“Well it's not silly
When she brings you your chili
To grab a cracker
And distract her... with a crunch
A cracker crunch
Cause you'll only see her once
Only this one time at lunch
And she might as well see you too
Ahh... it's the last time
You're passing through”

I was thinking of this song recently, and it brought me back to my days of waiting tables. That’s how I supported myself for many years, and for the most part, it was a fun job—and rarely dull. One day I showed up for work, and my boss was glowing with pride. He pranced around and proudly revealed “our new computer system.” We were told that we’d ALL be learning to use this new thingamajig. Of course, I felt compelled to ask, “What’s wrong with using pencils, then giving our orders to the cook?” I wasn’t too keen on learning a new way of doing things after years of using a perfectly good pencil (with eraser) AND after my fellow waitresses and I had perfected our own unique method of shorthand. For instance, rather than writing “no mustard,” we’d cleverly write “86 mustard,” which, in Waitress-Speak, means “no.” Comprende? ‘86’ = ‘No’—which, along with messy handwriting, is probably why a new computer system was necessary.

Anyway, after several months of struggling with the new system, I was—grudgingly—starting to get the hang of it. The owners even compromised by letting us continue using the magical “86,” so we were pretty content, and things began running smoothly.

Then Mother’s Day arrived, and the place was hoppin’. Thinking I had the strength of 10 women, I attempted to balance a tray of 18 drinks, fries, chips, broccoli cheese soup, hamburgers with two sides of mayo (cause they’d 86’d the mustard) and a chicken swiss burger. Sweat was pouring off my face as I held the tray in one hand and struggled to enter a new order with the other. Then, out of the corner of one eye, I caught sight of a red-faced man pointing at his coffee cup; out of the other eye, I spied my table of sorority girls (each equipped with her own personal I.V. of Ranch dressing) hollering something about extra crackers. “Poor lettuce,” I sighed. That’s all I did—sigh—then, without warning, the entire tray flew up in the air and came down on…..the brand new computer! Every eye in the place focused on me. Next thing I knew, I heard a distinct frying sound—not from the grill, but from either the computer or my employer—before the computer sighed, then died. “Quick everyone… go manual!” Pencils? Where are all the pencils? Anyone got a pencil? Fur was flying. Paper scattered. Orders became back orders. And the next thing I knew, we were instantly plunged back into our old way of doing things. You’d think the staff might have been happy. Instead, every waitperson and cook glared at me, but I somehow made it through the day. The emergency tech team was summoned. Stethoscopes were pulled out, CPR was administered (on the computer, not my boss, thankfully), and by the end of the shift, the computer had been resuscitated. Of course, I was soon 86’d and allowed to go home. The next day I was relieved to hear the new computer—now de-hissed—purring like a kitten, and all the extra pencils and paper tickets had again been shelved. I thought to myself….“Change? I think I like it.”

Waiting Table-dotes:
You can tell quite a bit about a person by the way they treat their waitperson

I learned these tips when I waited tables:

• I used to have waiting table nightmares where I would have to wait on an entire restaurant at once and remember everyone's order. Another nightmare (dare I say dream?) was that I had an entire section to wait on and everything that could go wrong was going wrong on EVERY SINGLE ORDER. Rule: Be kind to your waitress... or waiter...
• Separate checks are for wimps. If you have ever waited tables you know what I am talking about. This statement does not apply however if your friends or acquaintances are mooches or if you need the receipt for tax purposes.
• Never order "French" dressing if you have a southern drawl. You will always get "Ranch".
• Chill out. Relax. And if you want fast food then go to McDonalds.
• Is Mustard or Mayo really that big of a deal? Don't freak out if you get it on your bun.